This week we have been studying the different types of sentences to avoid in our writing. Today, we are going to go back over our previous blog entries and edit them. This should help you understand your own difficulties in writing, as well as give you the opportunity to work with your peers.
The 3 Types of Sentences we have been learning to avoid are:
Empty Sentences - Repeat thoughts, no opinions
Example: “I had a great meal for lunch and it was really delicious.”
Padded Sentences- Use too many words to say 1 thing
Example" “I believe that this story represents life because it is cool.”
Overloaded Sentences - Run-Ons
Example: “The boy went to store to buy some Doritos but the manager told him they were out of Doritos because a truck was robbed by the Doritos bandit, and he said that the FBI was now looking for the man or woman but there was no sign he would be stopped anytime soon, and the boy was sad because he really wanted some Doritos.”
Your Task Today (and Possibly tomorrow!):
- Read your own and the blog entries of your peers posted on previous weeks and look for these three types of sentences to avoid.
- When you have found examples of these sentences, copy them into a word document, and re-construct the sentences to be more effective.
- When you have identified and reconstruct 5 sentences, copy and paste the word document as a comment for this entry.
10 comments:
1. What I found: I think the wedding guest didn't believe Sergie about the kiss because they probably thought if you didn't do it then there was no point to explain yourself.
What I fixed: the wedding guests didn’t believe surgie about the kiss because they probably thought he was guilty.
2. What I found: I think they do prefer scandal because Sergie is a married man and to hear that he was kissing another woman just made them think that he was some type of player
What I fixed: They do prefer scandal because serigie is a married man and was accused of kissing another woman
3. What I found: The wedding guest probably doesn’t believe Ahinyenev's story about the kiss because of how good the day was it going to be for the wedding bride and groom.
What I fixed: The wedding guests probably don’t believe Ahinyenev’s story because of how good the day was going.
4. What I found: by doing this he gave the illusion that he had a guilty conscious when all he was trying to do was stop a rumor that wasn’t true.
What I fixed: He gave the illusion that he had a guilty conscious.
5. What I found: I do think it is a human trait because we do it without even knowing.
What I fixed: It is a human trait, we do it without knowing.
Before
i think that no matter what everyone has a guilty concious (i dont know how to spell it :)) i personally think that if there wasnt a main bad person in the story that not everyone woould be so against her because this show that most people in the world are follwers because to be honest if there wasnt a main person many people wouldnt do what they do know and a perfect example for that would be gang members if there wasnt a leader there wouldnt be followers.
After
I think that no matter what everyone has a guilty consious. I personally think that if there wasn’t a main bad person in the story that not everyone would be so against her. This shows that most people in the world are followers because to be honest if there wasn’t a main person many people wouldn’t do what they do now. A perfect example for that would be gang members if there wasn’t a leader there wouldn’t be followers
1.found .
I think the wedding guest didn't believe Sergie about the kiss because they probably thought if you didn't do it then there was no point to explain yourself.
Change.
The weddinf quest didn’t b elieve Sergie about the kiss because they probably though if they didn’t do it then there was no point to explain yourself.
2.found,
I think they do prefer scandal because Sergie is a married man and to hear that he was kissing another woman just made them think that he was some type of player.
Change.
They prefer scandal because Sergie is a married man and to hear that he was kissing another woman just made them think that he was some type of player.
3.found.
I think that these characters in the story enjoy gossiping about others because to me hearing and speaking gossip/rumors about someone is just the same about watching the news.
Change.
These character in the story enjoy gossiping about others because to me hearing and speaking gossip/rumors about someone is just the same about watching the news
4.found.
I don't think the guests believed Ahinyenev because he was telling them in a way that would make them think the opposite: hat he didn't kiss her.
Change.
The guests believed Ahinyeney because he was telling them in a way that would make them think the opposite that he didn’t kiss her.
5.found
I think gossip is in the human trait. It seems like people just wait around to hear gossip and spread around
Change,
Gossip is in the human trait because people wait around to hear different things so that it could be spread around
Identifying big and powerful words can help us with other people that know these difficult words that we don't know.
Identifying big and powerful words can help us with other people that know words that we don’t.
i think that THE REASON WHY it is important to i dentify and understand words you dont know is?
The reason why it is important to identify and understand words you don’t know is?
Also identify and understanding words makes you more advanced and ahead of some people and just having a big vocabulary is good for you because you are going to do less looking up for words.
Also identifying and understanding words makes you more advanced of some people. Just having a big vocabulary is good for you because you’re going to have to deal with looking up words so much.
useing large words helps you open your vocab useing words like.vindication and preliminary helps you on a hier level under stand other large words.
Using large words helps you open yourself to larger vocabulary words like vindication and preliminary. It helps you on a higher level of understanding of other large words.
i think gossip is a human trait because of the fact that people hear things & they have close friends that might want to be updated espcially if you dont like that person..
I think gossip is a human trait because of the fact that people hear things. Then those people have friends that might want the info, especially if they don’t like the person the gossip’s about.
1. What I found: I think the people didn't believe Sergei because of the way he tried to solve the problem.
How I fixed it: The people didn’t believe Sergei because of the way he tried to solve the problem.
2. What I found: I think the wedding guest didn't believe Sergie about the kiss because they probably thought if you didn't do it then there was no point to explain yourself.
How I fixed it: The wedding guest didn’t believe Sergie because he was too nervous.
3. What I found: I think gossip is in the human trait.
How I fixed it: Gossip is a human trait because it is popular.
4. What I found: My name is Rasheid Garrett I was born 1995 on a warm august evening.
How I fixed it: I was born in 1995 on a warm august evening.
5. What I found: During my life i always wanted to become famouse for acting,But my parents & grandparents say its important to finish school first then go to college so in that case i can become successful in my future.
How I fixed it: I always wanted to become famous for acting. My parents tell me to finish school first then go to college. In that case I can become successful in the future.
What I found before wrong inefective
1.the reason why i think the wedding guests didnt believe achieyev is because that they had no idea what he was talkin about
2.I think the wedding guest do not believe Ahinyenev's story because he keeps running around tell his story to everyone
3.I think gossip is in the human trait. It seems like people just wait around to hear gossip and spread around
4.the reason that the wedding guest did not believe Ahinyenev story because he was first to tell what the rumor was about, Ahinyenev spilled the rumers himself.
5.The reason that i think that everybody didnt believe was because at that time there was not even a rumor spreaded amoung the guest at the weddings.
How I fixed it
1. The wedding guests didn’t believe Achieiev is because they had no idea what he was talking about .
2.The wedding guest do not believe Ahinyenev's story because he keeps running around telling his story to everyone
3.Gossip is in the human trait, It seems like people just wait around to hear gossip and spread it around
4.The wedding guest did not believe Ahinyenev story because he was first to tell what the rumor was about, Ahinyenev spilled the rumers himself.
5.Everybody didnt believe wat he said because at that time there was not even a rumor spreading amoung the guest at the weddings.
Before
I think that the people at the wedding didn't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it.
After
People at the wedding didn't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it.
Before
He kind of made himself look like he did something.
After
He made himself look like he did something.
Before
Come on girl were going to be late, the game is getting ready to start!
After
Come on girl the were going to be late
Before
In my opinion segregation still exists.
After
Segregation still exists
Before
I think the group feeling in this plot is very discriminating.
After
the group feeling in this plot is very discriminating.
The group is the main problem in the story. They lock the main character away and forced her away frlom the one thing she held dear, or would have. THe group's feeling is also important because with out the fellings that they had, they wouldn't have attacked her. They felt jelous of her being able to have a different future, so they took out their frustration on her and took away the most precious time for her if she saw it. They probably would have treated her different if she had someone else on her side. She would havae probably been braver and could have stayed out long enough to see. Reading this has shown me that people, frlom young to the older, can be just as heartless as the mext as long as they have the same feelings towards people. Exampls are jelousy, envy, anger, or them just being a sadist. But, those feelings can be amplified by hundreds if all those same feelings for one subject get together. Dangers in a big group are high. They can use you, abuse you, take advantage of you, blame you for things you didn't do just because your in the same group, the list can go on and on. Mostly people join groups in order to feel needed, but it can lead to your suffering, or swift or painful death. It's not a good choice to join a group, but sometimes you have no choice. But that's a story for another time. Chaio!
BEFORE
The wedding guest probably doen't believe Ahinyenev's story about the kiss because of how good the day was it going to be for the wedding bride and groom.
After
The wedding guest probably do not believe Ahnyenev’s story because it was the day of the wedding.
Before
I think they do prefer scandal because Sergie is a married man and to hear that he was kissing another woman just made them think that he was some type of player
After
I think they do prefer scandal because Sergie is a married man and hearing this story makes it sound like he is a player.
Before
Like if the president was having an affair with someone. Then that's interesting news you would want to tell someone
After
Like if the president was having an affair, thats interesting news to tell someone.
1. What I Found: I think its important to identify and understand words you dont know because you need to know whats happening in the book or a paragraph you read.
How I Fixed It: It’s important to identify and understand words you don’t know because it can help you know what’s happening in the story.
2. What I Found: Like I was reading my book, yellow flag and i stumbled on a word Loomed.
How I Fixed It: I was reading my PCR book, Yellow Flag, and I stumbled on the word loomed.
3. What I Found: Like when I was reading my book I didn't know what the word skitter meant, so I used the clues and I found it means you are nevorus about something, that you thinks going to happen.
How I Fixed It: When I was reading my PCR book, I didn’t know what the word skitter meant. So I used context clues to find out what it means to be nervous about something. Or that something is going on.
4. What I Found: The reason that i think that everybody didnt believe was because at that time there was not even a rumor spreaded amoung the guest at the weddings.
How I Fixed It: Everyone didn’t believe him because there wasn’t a rumor spreading amongst the guests at the wedding. He only thought that there was.
5. What I Found: I think the wedding guest didn't believe Sergie about the kiss because they probably thought if you didn't do it then there was no point to explain yourself.
How I Fixed It: The wedding guests didn’t believe him about the kiss because they’d probably think “If you didn’t do it, then there’s no point in explaining yourself”.
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